Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Community Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"

The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is by now attracting attention from Global buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a resort wherever my PTSD may have change-down support."

Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:

China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk Trump Tower Damascus has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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